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Tilly

My Moral Standing is Lying Down

And Then...

Rainbow Eye
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Tilly

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September 28th, 2009

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Rainbow Eye
If anybody wants anything from this journal, save it now. I plan to delete it this evening. Apparently my ex used this to stalk me for the last four years which is my fault for not making it private.

Sorry to those of you where this was our only communication.

August 11th, 2009

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Since the breakup, James and I decided to be friends.  We were doing a fair job of it, too, until he found out that 1) I was dating somebody, and 2) that David decided to be a part of Gabby's life.  He threw a mini-fit at that point, decided he no longer wanted to talk with me but would still like to see Gabby.  His compromise was to see Gabby on Friday evenings when she's at Gramma's house.  This was awesome, but I found myself questioning his motivations.  I didn't have any set assumptions, but it just kind of didn't seem like a typical ex-boyfriend move.  Nate and a few other people brought up similar concerns, so for the interest of knowing what was going on, I asked James about it last night.  I hit a nerve.  He assumed that I had some negative reason for asking (even though I explained my motivation for doing so), and as of this morning he no longer wants to be a part of anybody's life.  Overreaction?  Definitely.  My problem?  Not so much.  His reasoning for seeing Gab was that he didn't think it was fair to her that they couldn't spend time together just because we're not dating.  I'm not so sure that was the full truth, considering his end reaction to my question.  How is that is Gab's best interests?

And speaking of children and best interests, I'm having a much worse time than the past few years in taking Josh and Johannah's birthday in stride.  Nate found a possible link to the fact that David just recently popped back up in Gab's life -- I'm not sure what the link is exactly, but I'm not very proud of how I've handled my emotions over the situation.  I woke up this morning just...down.  Totally.  And I lashed out at Nate which is severely uncool, and that made me feel even worse.  And the fact that he took it so well and is so supportive and loves me so much hurts more.  How could I do that to him?  A part of me still hates myself for not having my first two kids, and when I begin doing self-destructive things as a result it's just a really nasty downward spiral.  Bleh.  I content myself with knowing that Josh and Jo are well taken care of and are probably very happy.  I just wish I had a better form of resolution on that situation.

Nate came up with the amazingly good idea of taking Gab and I to the Rockies game tonight.  We managed to get super-cheap seats (Nate said $9 total at Coors Field) and I plan to bring goodies with us to the game, so hopefully it's been a cheap-but-fun outing.  We really need to do some laundry tonight, too -- that was the catalyst of my inability to cope this morning, the lack of clothes to wear to work.  I think I'd like to get a girls night in arranged with Jenni and Alicia sometime soon, also.

Uck.  Have to walk back to work now.

August 3rd, 2009

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David (my ex-husband and the father of the Gabster) popped back into our lives out of nowhere last week.  He wants to start providing for Gab and seeing her and generally be a decent person.  I'm going to let him try.  It's been a great source of debate between my family and friends as to what should be done here, but I know David well enough to think he just may be completely serious.  If not, Gab's in a pretty adaptable stage right now (she took my breakup with James better than I did, I think) and at least I can't say I didn't give David a chance.  Nate and I are borrowing David's car until I can figure out how to work this check situation with Poo.

Oh yes!  The check situation.  So, after Progressive kindly informed me that my car was totalled, we found out that my title was issued in both my grandfather's and my name.  We managed to FedEx the paperwork to my grandfather in CA -- the day before he leaves for the UK.  Phew!  But then, of course, Progressive issued the check in both of our names.  I haven't even tried to decide how to make that one work yet.  I'll probably send Poo and email today or tomorrow and ask him what he wants to do.  Nate said something about drafting up a one-time power of attorney document for just this situation.  I don't care -- I just want to start looking for a new car.

Nate!  Nate is awesome, amazing, amusing, absolutely wonderful, astounding...oh, I'll shuddup now.  Heh, no really, things are great.  I have zero boyfriend complaints.

Gabby is proficiant in the entire song of Twinkle Twinkle now.  Was totally cute, she kept running into the piano room at the Waller's to play it for everyone yesterday.  She and I both got a little out of sorts by the end of yesterday evening, but once we got into bed and shut up we did fine.

Ok, I'm going to go practice driving a stick...well, I'm going to take the damn thing to drop Gab off and go to work.  I'm a little scared.  If I stall it in the middle of Kipling and any of you are driving along, please don't honk.  It makes me anxious.  :D

July 24th, 2009

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So, as a lot of you have heard, we had some rather extreme weather in our neck of the woods.  I, as well as many of the other residents at my apartments, claim that we were hit by a tornado on Monday night between 10:15 and 10:30 p.m.  The weather folks say there was no rotation in the clouds above us, but I've never found a windstorm that would move a full-size dumpster from from behind our apartment building over 100 yards to the other side of our street.  Whatever.  We had extreme weather.

There were trees toppled, many a window broken, and the usual debris you'd expect after a...whatever it was.  During the course of this little weather event, I lost three windows from my car, a lot of the paint, the dryness of the carpets and upholstery, and a kitchen window.  My roommates car was similarly trashed.  Gabby, Nate, Jani and I are absolutely fine.  We had quite the scare (Nate and I were actually standing outside of our door when it hit) and not a lot of sleep during the rest of the night, but we're fine.  My car, however, is totaled.  I am less than excited about this.  Partially because I don't have a lot of time left on my borrowed car, and I need to get into a new car if I can't have my old one back.  I don't like the idea of being in a hurry to buy a used car, and I certainly can't afford a car payment right now.  Ugh.  Think the sales at MedVed for the same storm that killed my car would be worth it?

Anyhow, I thought I'd update the folks who don't have Facebook (or just don't have me on theirs).  I have pics posted there if anyone wants to see.

In other news:
  • Gabby has been awesome!  I can't believe how much she's growing up.  I need to get her registered for school.
  • Nate remains an amazing boyfriend.  I still feel lucky.  Not much new news there, so I'll stop before I start gushing.
  • Had an awesome dinner at the Denver Aquarium with Nate and his family (dad, sis and family) last night.  So much fun.  Her Highness the Gabbers was VERY well behaved.
  • Work.  Ugh.
And speaking of, it's time to go back.  Ciao!

July 8th, 2009

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Happy 7-8-9, y'all.

I'm going to pretend I'm not disgruntled as I type this.  This too will pass.

Work is going to start kicking my ass again -- I'm just now catching up on all my stuff, and one of the A/R reps gave her two weeks on Monday, which means not only are we going to have to cover her clients until we get someone new, it means I'm going to have to do more training.  I just hate training because I never feel prepared, but I've been told I'm not too terrible at it.  Especially considering our office is kind of a sink-or-swim training environment.  Most of ambulance billing is (to me) common sense, once you learn the basic rules.  I guess upper mgmt. is looking for someone with experience, though, so hopefully training will consist of teaching them the system and the basic things that make ambulance billing unique (which isn't much).

I came home yesterday to a clean room, vaccuumed floor, and a smiling man.  It was so awesome.  The room has already deteriorated slightly, but that's just because I have a eff-ton of laundry to do.  I planned to do it tonight, but I'm still unwinding from the occurance that has made me disgruntled so I think I'm going to plead laziness.  Besides, I don't have any change.  I can get that tomorrow.

Gab's doing great in piano lessons so far.  I think having something new to focus on plus starting school in a few months will keep her busy.  I can't believe she's already starting school!   She still seems too little to me, but I guess that's how I'll always feel about her big steps in life.  I'm sure I'll be blubbering when he finishes high school, thinking she'll be too little to go off to college or face the real world in general.  Oi.

July 1st, 2009

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I severely need a haircut.  Maybe I can do that Friday afternoon.  I've been so broke it hasn't been an option, but I think I'll be able to do $20 or less for a sprucing of the hair.  Thursday night is nails night with Amanda (yay!  chick, beer and nails time rox!), and tonight I'm not doing a thing except cooking some burgers:  Gabby already has finished hers, and I'm waiting for Nate to get here so he can have some too.

One of the guys Nate works with and his girlfriend invited me over for ribs last night (Nate was already there) before the Cheeky Monk.  They were delish.  I would have liked to hang out longer but I had made promises for the rest of my evening.  We had fun at the Monk, too.  I was in bed far too late, but I'm not really complaining.

This week at work has beaten the crap out of the last month or so.  Seems like either morale went WAY up suddenly or we all just threw our hands up and decided it's not worth stressing ourselves out over.  It seems like there's always something going on, and it's hard to get caught up when new little fires are constantly breaking out.  It keeps like interesting, though, and there's nothing I hate like being bored at work.

And yeah, I guess forgetting the happy pills for almost a week didn't help with that.  Whooooops.

EDIT:  Nevermind.  That's better kept in my head.

Okay, I'm gonna stop on that subject before I get all mushy and dumb in public.  Ewww!

I've been wearing the new bikini.  I have no pics, sorry.

<3

June 30th, 2009

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I got the Wii sold, which was a huge relief.   There should be some more money rolling in by the end of the week from various sources, so I'm over the worst of it.  Hoorah!

I'm really happy with my new relationship.  I feel understood.  I'm not saying I'm gonna ask the guy to marry me or anything, I'm just saying...it's nice to be understood.

June 24th, 2009

Wii!

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Want a Wii?  Mine is for sale:  http://denver.craigslist.org/ele/1237673047.html

June 23rd, 2009

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I think I'm burnt out.  Work is finally kind of slowing down -- at least, I don't feel as far behind as I did say, a week ago.  Then again, I have the feeling there's something important I'm missing that's going to sneak up and bite me in the ass.  At least I'm not considering breaking a bone on purpose to be out of work for awhile...there was a few mornings last week that I really did think about such things.

I started seeing a new guy -- his name is Nate.  Some of you have met him, some have not.  I think he's pretty awesome.  I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm awesome too.  It's good.

I'm really stressed about money -- I probably haven't been as responsible with it as I should have been lately, and it's biting me in the ass now.  No glaring errors, just too many small purchases and a badly timed payday move at work.  I'm applying for a small loan from my CU -- the one I took last summer to go on the Oregon trip is almost paid off, and I requested a much smaller loan that I took out for that.  I hope I hear from them tomorrow because it's my daycare providers check that's pending, and that's one check I seriously don't wanna bounce.

Gab is growing like a weed.  We're still having issues with her listening skills, and her pestering skills (they're too finely honed for my taste) but she's fit for public consumption at least.  She starts piano lessons on Saturday morning with Amanda.  I'm really excited for her -- she loves music, and she loves Amanda, so I'm hoping it goes well.

I had some guy I went out to coffee with and considered learning to ballroom dance with randomly text me today.  He seemed peeved and called me a flake, but since I've never made plans with him since the 2nd time we met, I don't see how he figures.  It's totally random -- I quit calling him because he basically told me in not-so-many words that he really just wanted a friends with bennies situation, and that's totally not what I was looking for.  I asked him to lose my number, so hopefully that's the last of that.  What a creep.

I'm all antsy about the money thing, I even snapped at Nate earlier and I feel like poop about it.  I feel The Blah coming on.  I don't like.  :/

Gonna see if I can go get myself out of this mood I'm in.

June 8th, 2009

My bad.  I should know better than to have my feelings hurt.
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